Wednesday, March 10, 2010

For those that are still there and reading and being patient with me thank you. Thank you for so many well wishes, and concerns, we are ok...ish. I want to write, I try believe me, and then I delete...and delete again. I feel positive and alive some days, most days even, I can smile, and laugh, and enjoy life, but there are still a lot of tears and sadness.
I feel awkward, this blog used to be filled with joy and colour, becaue thats what my life was, and then it was turned upside down, and turned black for a while, and i don't really know what this blog should be anymore. I have drafted so many posts and prssed delete time and time again. I don't know what to say, how much to share.
That's it really, so take tiny steps with me, and we can perhaps find our space in a colourful world again.
Of course life has to go on, and it has but there is always a Christmas, and a Mothers day and birthdays to get through.

This month is becoming a bit more dificult, its the month she was born and it sometimes feels like yesterday, it would have been my dear little sweet Poppy's 1st birthday. It should have been such a celebration, we will celebrate, and buy her flowers and mourn, and send a balloon up for her. We should have been baking cakes and buying tutu's.

The bright blue skies of the last few weeks help, I walk a lot more now than I ever did, and breathe in fresh air, and look again, and delight at the snowdrops carpeting the forest behind us and wish she was with me so much. But I feel lucky to be alive, and experience another Spring, it is a beautiful month....full of hope, and I feel alive but still I miss her desperately. I am fortunate to live in one of the most beautiful places in the country, surrounded by sea and Mountains, and every day I gasp at the beautiful light over the sea and the changing view. I have a job I love, a gallery that I can stock full of beautiful pieces of jewellery, ceramics, art and crafts. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and is my absolute soulmate. I have a lot.

Poppy was a clever little thing, she has taught me about love. Deep, deep love.

The pain in my heart is incredible it physically hurts but I can also sometimes now think of her and smile through the tears, because she has taught me to love and appreciate life. My beautiful, clever little girl xxxx